These past few months have been very painful for me.
Back in February I was really hurt by a good friend of mine in ministry. He chose to use me for his own gratification/desires and disregarded my feelings. I was like a toy or an opportunity for him.
Anyways, I don’t really want to talk about what happened as much as I want to talk about how it affected me. I was in complete despair. I felt betrayed, unworthy, unlovable, objectified, etc., etc. Then, I became frustrated at myself for feeling so upset about it. I tried to pretend I was okay and was proud of myself when I had good days and harsh on myself when I didn’t. I was also changing anxiety medicines at the time and went through a serious bout of depression as a side effect of the withdrawal, and the situation I was in wasn’t exactly alleviating.
I’m going to be really honest here, I was not okay and I am still not okay. I believed so many lies that Satan was whispering to me. This guy really stirred up some serious fears I had in my own heart and the enemy loves when these are surfaced. I was so afraid that no one would ever want to be with me, date me, marry me, and so on. However, I tried to suppress this fear and pretend it didn’t exist. I shoved it in a box in my heart and tried my hardest to forget it was there, that is, until the enemy opened it back up:
Sara, that guy doesn’t care about you. You’re an object. You’re undesirable. You’re unworthy of anyone’s love.
And I believed every word of it. I cried and cried and cried and then would subsequently cry more because I was so angry at myself for feeling this upset. Didn’t I find my identity in Jesus? Did I not believe God’s love for me was good enough? Oh man, these questions haunted me even further.
Luckily I have had great friends and ministers to surround me in this hurt and bring me a lot of clarity. Most importantly, I’m learning to just say when I’m not okay and admit when things hurt and give myself grace for my own feelings and emotions.
I also read something in my quiet times that really struck me.
“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” Ephesians 6:11
There’s good news for me in all of this darkness. I don’t have to fight with my insecurities anymore. I don’t have to fight with my anger and self-loathing. God does that for me, all I have to do is bring it to him. The Lord has already defeated Satan once and for all. The enemy cannot hurt me because I am in Christ Jesus. “Call upon God and leave the Devil no choice” was the concluding line of my little devotional believe me I bookmarked it. God weeps with me, fights for me, loves me, and draws me near. The enemy can’t do a thing about it. He will not win, he does not speak truth, he does not have a say about who I am.
I am still hurting, believe me, but God can handle the hurt.
He handled death.