Anyone suffered from anxiety? Depression? Addiction? Self-harm? etc., etc.
The worst part of all of this is that it manifests into a lie in your brain that insists that you are only as good as the crap you go through. A few weeks ago, I hit a big bump. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and some depression, but when really unfortunate stuff happens, my anxiety turns into this giant hurricane that wreaks havoc on me and my mind. Stings of rejection and betrayal were small cuts being rubbed with the lemon juice that is my anxiety. It always makes things worse than they need to be. I become devastated and then frustrated with myself for being so devastated, which turns into a vicious cycle of self-loathing and despair. I always know in the back of my head that my identity is in Christ Jesus and that my anxiety is no longer the realest thing about me. But even drilling truth into my head couldn’t save me from sleepless nights where my mind wandered into the darkest corners it could find. Thats where the self-blaming, the self-hating, and the self-disgust would hold me captive.
I really was at a point where I didn’t know what to do. I kept praying for wisdom and truth from God to seep in and rescue my heart, but I wasn’t finding relief. That is, until I watched a movie last night. The character in the film was an olympic-hopeful runner who was training to qualify for Team USA. She met a boy a few days before her big race, and became distracted. She stayed up late with him, putting her training plan in jeopardy. He also consistently tried to change who she was, pressuring her to sleep with him (which is a whole different can of worms that I won’t get into here). She eventually did, sneaking out the night before her big race. Afterwards, however, she realized that it wasn’t who she really was or where she needed to be. She had been quoting random celebrities the whole film, but now she came up with her own “If you find yourself in a story you don’t belong in… (big dramatic pause) leave” And with that, she left. It was as simple as that. She turned from whatever she was getting caught up in, because she knew it wasn’t her story.
This wasn’t a christian film by any means but the Gospel somehow shows up in nearly everything we do, including art and film and music. It’s funny how God works like that. Her character risked her biggest dreams for a boy who was trying to put her in a foreign and dangerous narrative. Even though the damage was done, she realized it wasn’t too late and simply left. Turned around. Repented perhaps.
Anyways, I too, realized that self-loathing was trying to write me into a harmful story, not the narrative God had written me in. Anxiety is not definitive of my character. Instead, my place in God’s narrative is a loved daughter, one worth everything to Him, even His own Son. I found myself last week in a story I didn’t belong in, so I opened my Bible and read what God had to say about who I was to him.
What I’m not: worthless, unimportant, unvalued, a commodity, a toy
What I am: worthy, lovely, valuable, irreplaceable, unique, and most importantly I am loved infinitely by the King of everything.