self-loathing

it’s funny

I don’t remember reading

about self-loathing in the Bible

but somehow I’ve been convinced

that it’s the only true response to sin

at least when I am like Paul

and do the very things I don’t want to do

self-loathing is always like a shadow

following behind

in anticipation

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blue heart

all around me

are bright flowers

and sunshine-filled faces

and sparkling smiles

yet I can only focus

on the blue heart I have

I play another sad song in my head

and reach out for someone

to pull me out of the dark pit

but eventually I realize

no one has grabbed my hand

and I am left to my own devices

which seem to have failed me again tonight

As the Sun Rises (17)

Regret

oh Lord there are many things I regret

like when I am too bold

and open my mouth

only to put my foot in it later

or when I scold myself

in the hopes of not repeating mistakes

or when I act out of timid insecurities

because I know how deeply broken I am

or when my self hatred is stronger

than my love for others

or when I invest in people

who do not care to invest in me

but one thing I know I do not regret

is praising you through it all

because you have already won

the final day will come

and all my regrets will be done

As the Sun Rises (16)

Romantic

she is nostalgic

for the guy who told her

that her hands were too dirty

using Your name to explain his preference

for girls who had never played outside

she is nostalgic

for the friends who agreed

that she was rather wretched

and would always have to be dirty

because that kind of dirt never washes off

and sometimes she is nostalgic

for the dirt itself and all of the worms

or bugs that came with it

because at least they’d be her friends

but You told her it wasn’t true anymore

she didn’t need to be characterized

by the dirt she used to play in

because You were now

the most real thing about her

You called her lovely

and made her beautiful

so now she’s washed off the dirt

and knows that it’s not romantic

to say “remember when”

Bare Walls

loneliness

is like the shortness of breath you get

when you’re barely skating by

treading on thin ice

hoping someone will extend their hand

and pull you out of the rink.

it’s like having a house full of bare walls

because you can’t decide on pictures

you hate the ones you took

and you want it to be aesthetically pleasing

for the guests you’ll never have

it’s like a room in the winter

with no heat

it’s not comfortable

but I’ll start a fire

and I’ll survive

haphazardly hoping

I don’t burn everything down with it

Well

I started writing a poem

about being a radiant sunflower today

but then I erased it

because it was crap

I am more like a mix

between a cowering mutt

and that garbage monster from Sesame Street

but at least I’m being honest with myself

As the Sun Rises (15)

You

today I took a new route home

it reminded me of you

the warmth of the sun

and the cool breeze

it didn’t seem so lonely anymore

and I felt silly at that moment

putting hopes in anything else

because what can compare

to eternal joy

and love

finally someone has told me that I was enough

and that I was worth

everything